Newsflash.

Don't ask me where your As and Bs are. Go find them yourself!

Don't get all sourgrapes either just 'coz I mentioned I was on the Dean's List and've been publishing the grades of my better papers (alright, that sounds hau lian, but still, it's my blog, I will write anything I want. Can't you be happy for me and respect that?).

If I've got something to be proud of, I will be proud of it. And I am proud of myself for making it. I will not hide it now.

Cindy mentioned she had been considering getting the ex and I to meet and resolve our issues. After the last time when he tried to unbutton my jeans and started getting all touchy-feely... I'm seriously scared. But I know Laoniang won't force me lah.

Insomnia's back. This Does Not Look Good.

Miss me?

I thought Shu Lin had found out when I blogged about her quitting school and kindly advised her in writing to "grow up". Maybe she's just playing it cool, but it's not like I really care. Our friendship is in tatters, so how much worse could it get?

Bah. On the other hand, shifting back to my bedroom has been quite conducive. I sleep better, although I sleep later. But at least I'm getting sleep.

Auto-focus.

"Jasmine, I saw David! He's with a girl!" My mum pulled me aside when I met her to uh, claim a free meal at Burger King tonight.

"Let him be."

She practically pushed me over to his table, where I was pleasantly stunned/elated to see Sheena and Eunice, but as Nana observed later, I pretty much ignored David.

Well... what was I supposed to do? Act all chummy?

I wonder if he got the message. I actually hope he did, somehow. I was disappointed but not surprised that he declined the offer to join the Katong Gang+Rochelle+Ivan for ABC prata outside my place.

Seeing him today brought it all back.

Speak in private.

Hey! Quit blogging about your sex life, a'ight? Especially when your thirteen-year-old cousin has your address!

I want someone who will...

...love me whether I change, don't change, or never change.

Don't call me fat.

I have painstakingly shaved two inches off my waistline with ab-xercise. I stand at a very desirable 25 now.

Please don't compare me with my sister, who has no butt to speak of anyway. Please don't make fun of my curls, I've actually grown to like them a fair bit. Please don't say my face looks rounder.

I'm a sensitive girl.

Colour pencil diaries.

One thing about study week is that the independence also serves to heighten my sense of isolation.

I had a nostalgic evening. I discovered that I was a kiasu baby who wanted to be first in everything. I was the first of us three siblings to talk, to walk, to read (my sister: "no wonder your English is better than mine"). I was also (unfortunately) the most hiao, conditioned to pose perpetually for the camera.

I still want to be first, in pretty much everything. A+, not A. Champion, not runner-up. Perfectionist tendencies die hard.

I flipped through photo albums of my childhood, colour pencil diaries, a collection of blank cards, certificates.

Today I was pretty disgruntled because I honestly thought I'd made an effort to come to church. Walked there in ill-fitting sandals in the rain because I felt it would be deceptive to no-show using Elliott's baby shower as an excuse, but got berated for coming late/not informing Cindy about Congre/not bringing my Bible. Sigh. I sometimes think Cindy has higher expectations of me than she does of the other girls. Itt's just that I really wish I had someone to empathise with me.

That's what love is about, isn't it? It isn't about having a witness to your life (goodness knows I have too many reading my other blog). Or the heady intoxication of infatuation. Pared down to the bare essentials, it's about feeling wanted.

I frankly dislike the idea of having to pay seven bucks for Yam's present. It is a bag imported from the Gap. I'm not even buddybuddy with her anymore, and she only just returned from uh, spiritual hiatus, to put it nicely. I don't even see her around nowadays, and when I do, she and Eleta hobnob and I end up feeling so left out of the loop. I'd rather spend that much on someone closer to me, like Valey or Laoniang or even Meowies.

It just seems that everyone fawns over Yam. She's always been the popular girl. Everyone loves her. Even when she went missing in action for a year. Got together with another girl's boyfriend. Now we splurge out on this expensive gift for her.

For what?

I feel like the sister of the prodigal daughter. Here I am, struggling to stay on, but nobody sees me fight inside.

Oh stupendous.

Me and the popular guys, it's never worked before. I'm just not that sort of girl. The girl who's decked out in Roxy and Billabong from head to toe, doesn't mind speed-dating and speed-breaking. I'm smart. And I don't consider myself conventionally pretty.

So I supposed I'll just have to get used to that.

At the same time, I don't want to keep on being a loser-magnet. Attracting only the desperate or the dumb ones. Hurhur. How am I to marry like that?

So I tell myself that instead of me hunting high and low for The One, why not let Him bring The One to me?

It'll be okay. I need time to heal and move on, to let the nightmares subside. I need time to grow in strength, in wisdom, in maturity.

And then maybe someone will find me beautiful. Someone who has a big heart, a big hug, and a big... brain. Got you there. I once told David that I'd like to look for someone who was smarter than me, so I could look up to him, and his reply was, "Well, that'd be hard to find". I take that as a compliment.

The ex. He wasn't that smart, nor that great, now that I have the benefit of hindsight. I just deluded myself into believing that he was all that, when he wasn't. We used to argue all the time about who was smarter (which in itself was a rather stupid thing to do). I still think I am. He never called me to tell me that he'd be an hour late, and never apologized when he reached. He threw his cellphone at me.

He always complained that he had no money, and that was another of our problem areas, because I am the kind of girl who loves nothing more than to be pampered and to be treated like a princess. Like.. I'm special.

I understand Not Having Enough Money. But to me, it simply wasn't enough, and I should not learn to settle for less. I have learnt that the hard way. Settle for less, and you wind up with a jerk who likes feeling under your skirt but who's not interested in what you feel. I wanted to be swept off my feet in a fairytale romance. I think I met the bad guy instead.

It wasn't about the money. It was about the willingness to spend what you didn't have as long as you loved her enough. People claim I'm too materialistic, but they don't understand.

Forget it. I can't.

Party-cipation.

School is depressing. Today we took a final quiz, which I'd barely studied thirty minutes for the previous night. Rationale behind that was mugging wouldn't make a difference anyway. It didn't.

Add that to my pathetic participation and contribution marks. I'm incredibly dismayed by the 15% my team gave me. Is that how much my time is worth? I suppose moral support does not count as much as drawing tree diagrams. I'm so freaked that I will wind up with a C or D. It would slaughter my entire average. I entertained the thought that maybe God would want to pull me off the Dean's List to teach me a lesson, but I'm sure He isn't as mean as me. Anyhow, Lord, if you're listening, please give me a little boost. Or a little hug. Yeah. I could use one of those.

Oh, please. A month more. I have to stop thinking about that Hollister tote.

It's gonna be a month so long, it'll be over before I know it.

Reprieve.

We passed each other in the hallway today and we didn't even say hello. See? Told you this is what would happen.

Liwen advised me to tell him how I was feeling. (Okay, even on reading back my posts, it sounds like I'm attracted to him, but nope, we are just friends.) I replied that I didn't want to keep pushing. I'm the kind of person who will pull back if the other person isn't expressing interest.

When I see how happy Weixuan and Melvin are, whether they're friends (as they claim) or if there really is something more, I can't help but be saddened, reminded of what David and I used to share. I remember once when we were shopping for his socks, I was whining that I was terribly cold, and impulsively/ unexpectedly he reached out to sling his arm across my shoulder, and asked if that was any better. After a second's reflection, I answered, "Actually, not really". To which he jokingly replied, "Aww, surely you can feel the warmth of my heart!"

Why do things have to change?

It seems that people spared Melvin and Xuan from the teasing that wrecked mine and David's friendship. My question is, why us?

This bothers me so much because David is.. was, my closest friend for a while back there. I wouldn't have invested so much in the friendship if I had known it would end like this. Emotional limbo. Relationship purgatory. If it had been anybody else, I could have dealt with it. But this is David.

What does it say of me when my closest friend decides to place an expiry date on the friendship? Speaks volumes.

Lookin' up.

I should be resigned to the fact that since our project's been completed. we won't have any reason to talk in the future.

So be it. I don't suppose we will. I honestly hope you'll find happiness, David. Thank you for having been here. It was phenomenal while it lasted, and I won't forget that anytime too soon.

I wish things could go back to being the way they were, but nothing'll ever be the same again. I suppose it's better this way, going about pretending the other never existed.

Ernest passed me a handwritten card from Junwei that I opened almost as soon as the two of us had parted ways. Junwei's words, paraphrased, "One thing I will say is that I learnt that memories are actually something that's worth recalling, even the bad ones, which teach us lessons for life." So even though I know Junwei will never have the chance to read this, I'd just like to say a heartfelt: thank you.

My cousin Kaylyn flies to Brisbane today to meet her lover, a divorced man twice her age. I cannot agree with what she is doing, but I admire her for at least daring to pursue the desires of her heart. There are too many others who live -safe- lives.

"I packed more than I would have done usually, but I just have to look perfect!" I love this line of hers because it reveals a less worldly side of the person I always thought of as a superficial fashionista who would snidely correct me on the pronunciation of "sarcasm" ("it's not SIR-casm, but SAR-casm"). That girlish thrill of anticipation, turning your whole wardrobe inside out to find that "it" outfit to impress the boy in the next class.

You can grow up, but you don't always have to grow old.

Assessment.

I've been doing real good. I broke down in school once. Locked myself in a toilet cubicle so deserted that even the lights were off. Then I dried my tears, and walked over to the business canteen to join the others for lunch.

Everyone has gone to bed, save for me, which serves to heighten my sense of loneliness.

Hey Lord? I could use a friend just about now.

Matrixised.

So I've finally done it and gotten myself a new blog. This blog will be what my previous used to be: writing for no-one else but myself.

One word to sum it all up? Disappointed.

The human factor in this is spelt with a capital D. I will never understand why the friendship deteriorated to reach the impasse it's at now. We are scarcely acquaintances. At the beginning of the semester, I told him about all my troubles; as the semester winds down, my troubles are (almost) all about him.

I am deeply hurt by this... drift. I don't understand how, or why we let it happen. We used to be so close, and we had such great fun together! Keeping it impersonal, and keeping emotion out of my dealings with him as teammates for the Midsummer Nights Dreame project has turned out to be easier than expected. But I cannot help but feel a sense of loss.

Melissa tells me it's nothing like what I imagine, that maybe he's just busy. I have never thought that being busy would give any friend a valid excuse to pull the plug on a friendship and let it slowly dissipate into indifference. Trust me, we are reaching that stage. And it just pains me, when I remember the happier times. When we weren't embarrassed to be seen together. He was like the older brother I never had.

Never had. Literally.

I hate that we were sacrificed. David and Jasmine, for Weixuan and Melvin. It was a brilliant waste.

So today, I'm feeling lonely again. And nobody will know. Maybe that is what hurts so bad.