Cosmetic reconciliation.

Feeling: "fan"

Aaaararrrarrargghh.

I'll tell ya somethin' for nothin', it was only for Sheena Seng. I would not have apologized to David in front of Dolus at her party otherwise. And we would not have hugged otherwise. Only to grant her her birthday wish that she would see this friendship reconciled.

Right now, it feels like, what friend-fcuking-ship? Everyone urges me to give it another go. I'm SICK of it. Why must I always make the first move?

Of course, we never spoke again after that. Go figure, right?

Angels and demons.

Anyway, Charlene had a total break with reality. She tried to physically assault my brother who had innocently eaten her share of potato chips (it's not like she didn't know about his nature anyway), and when my mum tried to protect him, she went berserk on her, so I had to come in and restrain her by grabbing her wrists. I'm sorry it had to come to this. She wasn't herself, that was for certain. Looking at her stick out her tongue and scream something unintelligible at my mother, she looked like... a demon.

She left scratches and drew blood on us three, then went and hid the kitchen knives.

Shaun asked if I loved her, and I was unable to answer. I think she is a fool and a coward. And it breaks my heart to hear her shout back at two people who have never stopped loving her no matter how hatefully she behaves towards them. I cannot say the same thing of myself, because I doubt I am ready to forgive her. I am still stewing.

I still remember how my fingers were trembling after a temporary, uneasy truce had been restored, so much so that I had to steady my hand before applying makeup.

"You don't love me!"
"We love you the most! Ask your sister, she's always been jealous of you."

I don't dare to ask my mum if that was the truth, what she said. I somehow hope not, but that won't make any difference, really.

At least going to work cheers me up some.

Can't always count on you for sure.

I met David today and walked him to his bus-stop when he had to go. I walked myself home with one book more, one friend less.

I say I have nothing to lose, agreeing to meet him at the library today. We speak of the safe and the superficial until it is time.

"So why did you suddenly want to go to the library today?"
"Because I had books I wanted to return... and borrow. And besides, I hadn't seen you in a long time."
"You could have asked anyone else..."
"But you're my library khaki. And I haven't seen you in a long time."
"You chose not to, remember?'
"I know... I'm sorry."

I wanted so bad to make it right then, and tell him it was ok, and that I was ok. But selfishly, I couldn't. I just looked away.

I wonder if my eyes betrayed me, all the hurt and pain I'd been carrying around in my broken heart all this time. I guess I allowed myself to hope for too much too soon, and because of that I fell hard. Fell hard when he basically told methat the real reason why he suddenly chose to distance himself from me was not because he had to study, but because when I was drunk he saw me at my worst, didn't know what to do, and got scared off.

I was rude and ungracious and I could not even bid goodbye to him when his bus came. Instead, as we looked at each other, I tried to reply lightly, "I think you better catch your bus".

I don't know if I had expected him to give chase and run after me, but in any case, he didn't. Once more we went in different directions.

If I could write to him?

"Dear David, I'm very sorry for the way things turned out. Please forgive me if I was less than gracious tonight. It's just that I had hoped for so much good to come out of this one meeting, and I was so hurt to hear what you had to say. Your friendship has meant so much to me and I was loath to let it go. In any case, I do hope you will enjoy what's left of your holidays. I shan't disturb further."

Heck it lah. Remember the new motto.

Un-date.

The other day, David asked me out. I can only imagine how much courage he must have summoned to type those two smses.

He left the ball in my court by surmising that he was free almost every day, so it was up to me to fix a date, which I did.

I left him to decide the time. He never got back to me, so I guess it's off. I can't help feeling the tiniest twinge of disappointment. Thanks yeah.

Anyhow, I just realised that it's been almost a year since I left him. I have relished the last year being single so, so much more than the year before being attached. I feel stronger. I think I am. I am proud of myself. I think I have every reason to be.

Test-tube babies.

I've test-driven these babies and a dozen more but here are the strongest contenders:

Chanel Ombre D'Eau bi-phase liquid eyeshadow ($42)- earns brownie points for its frosted glass bottle, round-the-clock staying power and intense shine; however it comes off as overtly metallic for daytime use and wrinkles around the eye creases.

DiorShow EyeColor creme eyeshadow pen ($35)- home team advantage because I own the perfume, lipstick and lip gloss already; I am obsessive about collecting stuff from the same series and season because they look so good on my shelf(not to mention the price tag is well, fair, given the brand); however under strong lighting the hue is barely noticeable and it lacks sufficient contrast with the rest of my makeup (in other words, yes, there is such a thing as too pink, especially when the shade of pastel on my brow bone does not match the shade of coral on my lips) .

Biotherm LightReflect gel for the lips, cheeks and eyes ($28)- one of Biotherm's best-kepts secrets and the underdog, but shade #20 Glitter Gold, has excellent sparkle, relative ease of application and is very lasting; however for such a runt-sized tube (0.23 oz) it is marginally over budget if you divide nett cost per application, but otherwise a steal on the whole. I mean, who really gives a flying rat's ass about nett cost per application? Think! I can use it... everywhere!

And my new motto in life is: Nobody Rains On My Parade aka Without Shame. Is that not how I got a free Dior eye makeover just this evening?

My sister's been acting out. She either ignores us, talks back to my parents (which makes me seethe because I think it is horribly rude and ungrateful), blogs about peeling people's flesh off with a photo of what I suspect is my nail clipper attached, or huddles under her covers crying.

Hey? Grrrrow up. The world keeps turning.

Don't take your frustration out on your folks. And if you do have a problem with them, confront them instead of posting about it at blogspot.com. That is the coward's way out. Discuss if yo' dare.

Sheesh this is absurd!

Moi indulgences.

Swan Lake performed by the Royal Ballet UK: $80-112 after student's concession. I just need a date.
Salsa on Saturday afternoons: $70 for five lessons, already paid for. I just need a partner.
Spa and shopping on any given day: $38-72. I just need a friend.

These are the times I wish I had a boyfriend the most. Y'know, someone who's on-call, whom you can fall back on reliably to fill up gaps in your social calendar. I just can't figure out who shares the same interests as me, especially when said interests involve burrowing deep into one's rather shallow pockets.

I'd give up a Bali holiday, all Forever 21 merchandise and maybe even a navy diver just to catch the Royal Ballet en pointe! But seriously, who wants to go alone to watch Swan Lake? Bah.

I'm already so desperate I have reached the point of mass-messaging my contacts. I bet I will receive no response. That's just the way life is, suck it up.

I have in my Stila cosmetics kit

Face: MAC Sheer Loose Powder, MAC SH 129 Blush Brush.
Eyes: Stila Convertible Eye Color, Maybelline Sky High Curves black mascara, Maybelline Color Wear trio compact in gold shimmer, taupe and chocolate, Missha glitter eye creme squeeze tubes in pink, lilac, green and golden, SilkyGirl eyebrow pencil.
Cheeks: Anna Sui Rouge Pot.
Lips: Dior Addict lipstick, Stila Lipglaze.
Body: Dior Addict 2 EDT, Stila Creme Bouquet EDP, Chanel Chance Twist & Spray EDT.

Is that what they call "all in a day's work"? Anyhow, I still like it here.

I am Miss Duku Road.

Welcome to Singapore. I got the job at the airport and I am ecstatic.

And here are some meaningful lyrics I nicked off Rozie's blog, to a Malay song titled Mungkin Nanti.

This is the last time I'm going to talk about this,
I think this is the time to let go,
Maybe you are no longer the person whom I knew,
Maybe the feeling is just no longer there.

Sometimes I can't help feeling pensive. My social life has been seriously looking up this week, what with our jaunt to DXO, Tuesday waffles, books-bonanza. I now wanna buy Mitch Albom. I wanna keep in my little collection books that will make me laugh, make me cry, make me wanna read them again, and read them aloud to my children. Books... they're almost like my friends.

Today I was very touched as I had an online "strategy session" with Thomas about module selection (talk about major blows) and the fact that us JC girls were facing the results together made it that much more manageable.

On the other hand, I cannot stand guys who bug me to introduce "hot babes" to them- what do you take me for? A matchmaking agency? and guys who push the brunt of the work to me, not so subtly either. It irks me.

Do I have high expectations? I've been disappointed with Melissa recently, I must admit. I feel friends should never question, and she questioned if I could have misinterpreted Ian's intentions. And I feel that my writing is not something trivial that one can wager on, and I feel it is a mistake to suggest or compel me to stop writing because of a stupid bet. That's not going to happen, I'll make sure of that. So perhaps I do hold my friends to high standards. I hope I can match up.

And I am big on reciprocity. One thing I can't stand is me opening my world to others and not getting so much as a glimpse into theirs in return. My sister keeps in contact with a few of my friends but remains intensely private about her own life. I pour out so much to Mel, yet she reveals little or none at all when serious affairs are concerned. Trust works two ways, yet it seems that in most of the friendships I have cultivated over the years, trust has flowed from a single direction: mine.

Should I feel relieved of the burden I'm carrying, or just plain drained because I'm opening so much of myself with little return?

My results weren't fantastic, though I still won the Haagen-Dazs gamble with Kenwei. Let's just say he's gonna pay... My CAP is 4.3, so that automatically puts me out of range for another pretty cert from the Dean's Office. But me and the Dean's List are gonna make contact again next sem, just you wait and see.